FUN @ ULANOFF.com

…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poll’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

• Pick up packages of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
• Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off in 5-minute intervals.
• Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
• Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares” . . . and see what happens.
• Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
• Move a ‘CAUTION! WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
• When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
• Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• While handling guns in the sporting goods department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
• Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through say,’PICK ME! PICK ME!’
• When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “NO! It’s those voices again!”

And last, but not least,

• Go into a fitting room and yell real loud, “We’re out of toilet paper in here! “

Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:
What’s for dinner?
SAFER:
Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:
Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:
Are you wearing that?
SAFER:
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST:
WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS:
What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:
Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:
Here’s my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS:
Should you be eating that?
SAFER:
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS:
What did you DO all day?
SAFER:
I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
SAFEST:
I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some wine

Things PMS Stands For:

• Pass My Shotgun
• Psychotic Mood Shift
• Perpetual Munching Spree
• Puffy Mid-Section
• Pardon My Sobbing
• Pimples May Surface
• Pass My Sweat pants
• Pissy Mood Syndrome
• Plainly; Men Suck
• Pack My Stuff
• and my favorite one… Potential Murder Suspect

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.